Showing posts with label funny quips. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny quips. Show all posts

Saturday, March 20, 2010

8 Funny Quips

From Denny: Helping you glide into the weekend... a few sillies - poached from my other humor blog. :) Hey! What do you want? Pollen season arrived this week in south Louisiana and I now own controlling stock in Kleenex... and even though it's past Saint Patrick's Day, I can tell you that the mother lode of shamrock clover is spread all over my yard. Isn't it funny how the weeds wake up weeks before the grass? You have all these weird Conan O'Brien hair clumps dotting the yard for amusement! :)

Clever Guy

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride.

He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.'

Prince William has been confirmed into the Church of England. Now, just like his father, he must obey the nine commandments.

My wife and I were watching a show on The Learning Channel titled, "A Dog's World."

One segment focused on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other things.

"Basically," the narrator said, "dogs are leaving each other messages."

I looked at my wife and said, "So, I guess we could call it p-mail."

(Actually, in our house, we call it "reading the mail.")

Entertainer Jack Benny swears that one evening when he was invited to play for the President, a guard stopped outside the White House gate and asked, "Whatcha got in that case, Mr. Benny?"

Benny answered solemnly, "A machine gun."

With equal solemnity, the guard nodded. "Enter, friend. I was afraid for a minute it was your sour violin!"

One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally the father picked up the little fellow and walked sternly down the aisle
on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

I'm sure you've all watched "Titanic" the movie. You know that scene when poor Jack
Dawson dies from the cold and then sinks to his watery grave?

Well, when he was frozen and Rose finally pushed him away from her to float into the ocean, my idiot ex-boyfriend embarrasses me in the theater by yelling, "Jack Frost!!"

And to this day he still calls, wondering why I call him my "ex!"

The funniest thing I ever did was when I was borrowing my Dad's car and I had to get gas. My Dad had a bad accident a few years back and he had both ankles surgically redone. So his car has handicap plates and I guess they have some rule that you have to give them full service at self-serve pumps.

The attendant came out and I waved him off without looking up from the nozzle. He tried to figure out why I had handicap plates so I thought it was a good time for a trick.

I went to give him the money and I kept on bumping into things - like the pump - and when I went to give him the money I felt each individual bill and did the same when he gave me change.

The whole time I spoke to him I stared into space. I was wearing dark sunglasses. I walked out of the station running into everything and bumping my head as I got into my car.

The attendant asked me, "How do you drive."

I replied with, "What do you mean?"

He answered with, "Aren't you partially blind?"

I ended with "No, I am completely blind. I am driving an especially equipped

I sped away, making sure to drive over the curb. In the rear view mirror I saw a
station attendant with his jaw on the ground.

ALSO for more rockin'good laughs:

Health Care Reform Resistance, Funny Political Cartoons - 20 Mar 2010

7 Funny Quips 10 Mar 2010

13 Funny Quips 9 Mar 2010

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Saturday, March 13, 2010

7 Funny Little Sillies 4 a Grin

From Denny: Found these quick little grinners and they are a perfect pick-me-up for the weekend!

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane.

He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted.

The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

A co-worker tells me about his son and his son's new under-wear with superheroes on it:

One morning the child comes running into the bedroom, grabs the front of his pants and announces proudly, "Ive got Superman in my pants, Daddy. What have you got in yours?"

Before checking, I turned to my wife, "Well, how should I answer him?" She was too busy laughing.

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up
the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Uh, oh... arriving blonde joke...

Harlan says there's a Judi who works at his place. Our receptionist, (yes, she is a blonde), often takes orders to call out for pizza on nights we work late.

One night, after placing an order for two pizza's from around the corner, we asked her how long it would be before they arrived.

She said she was told 40 minutes. When we commented to her that we thought that was a long time, she responded "That seems about right. It takes 20 minutes to cook
a pizza and we ordered 2 of them."

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag.

While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is.

The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does, only he did it backwards!

Turns out a substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Total groaner:

Did you hear about the disaster at a major U.S. University?

The scientists were cloning monkeys and one of them blew up.
The scientist are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting
through the Rhesus' pieces.

(For anyone outside America: they are referencing the American candy peanut butter and chocolate Reece's Pieces)

Back in the old days my Uncle Bucky bought a new Model A Ford.The next morning he was on his way to work and crashed into a car pulling out from a side street.

Being the witty person that he is, he wrote a letter to the Ford Motor Company..

"I blew my horn, it did no good. And now I have a busted hood". Two days later a delivery truck arrived at his residence with a brand new hood.

*** For more fun, check out the Saturday cartoons:

Cartoonists Cajun Whoop A$$ on Everyone - 40 Funny Political Cartoons - 13 Mar 2010

*** THANKS for visiting, come back often, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers - and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
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